I remember a couple of years ago there was a television programme which aimed to teach – let’s say rather uncouth – young ladies how to hold teacups, and how they should address a member of the Royal Family. The most distracting thing about this programme was the etiquette trainer, who looked like a female Ian Paisley, somewhat ironic.

Right now I’m staring at what is probably the rudest thing in my house – and I’ve got five cats. Considering how much time most people use computers, whether wilfully or not, it’s quite appalling that nobody seems to have ever taught them manners. The rude response which you get when you try to put a file onto an already full disk, “Cannot complete, Disk Full” or something along those lines is about as civilized as what I’d expect to have barked at me by an angry drill sergeant.
The problem isn’t limited to everyday computers. All of the big supermarkets now have these self-service checkouts, always commanding you, with the same voice, to place items in the bagging area. There’s never a please, or an “Excuse me, I need you to place your items in the bagging area, thanks”. Come on, for the thousands of pounds these things must cost to install and develop you’d think they could have a selection of voices; one would be selected at random when you use the checkout. I’m thinking Joanna Lumley and Morgan Freeman would be a good start, but some regional variants would add a bit of interest to what is otherwise an uninteresting, and often insulting process.

So, computers, you need etiquette training; Channel 4, I think I’ve found you a replacement for Big Brother.